What was that?

For those of you just starting to read about me, I've got more going on right now than a one-armed wallpaper hanger. I'm in the process of boxing up my home and moving to North Carolina, a move that pains and excites me all at the same time. During my transition, I am living in an extended stay hotel where Miss Margaret Lucille Esmeralda McGillicuddy (aka Maggie) is with me to keep me company. She rides great in the car and would much prefer to be with me than with than her neurotic father at home in Virginia. But Maggie has her own set of family issues and she doesn't mind giving me a lesson on patience every chance she gets.

On her morning walk she normally leaves for me a honking pile of love that is as normal as normal gets. But this morning, as she found a place to cop her squat, she removed from her body something so foul that imagining it might be grounds for prosecution. Because I have to pick it up and dispose of it, I was leaning over this miracle when I realized exactly what I was looking at. The first half of her gift was a mix of used, compacted and slightly discolored sundries that she had eaten out of the bathroom trash can. There were several tissues, a facial cleansing pad AND a few q-tips. Once I got over the shock of the contents in her belly, I looked at her and said "You've got to be kidding me?!? Do I need to hide the tampons and soap today as well?" At which point, she saw a squirrel and darted off -- and the vision of her backside with butt in the air was no different than if she had given me the finger with her tail.