wherein I burnt my eyes

for Jeanne

I’ve now lived in Chattanooga for 9 months. This seems like an eternity to a pregnant woman, but for me, it’s like I blinked my eyes and all of the sudden I’m in “aren’t you sa-waaayt” ville. POOF!

There’s much to love about this town, which I won’t go into now. You people don’t read this to hear me blow sunshine up the crack of anyone’s butt. You read this because I’m either guilting you into it or because you need a life (seriously). Either way, my web analytics meter thanks you.

I joke often about the number of toothless women that I see roaming Chattanooga and I’m personally convinced that they are imported from Alabama. It just seems too obvious, that the town that invented Krystal would be responsible for toothless people. I mean, how are they going to eat 4 mini burgers in one sitting? So the toothless part – no WAY they are Hamilton County peeps.

Enter this past Saturday night. I’m enjoying some free, riverfront blues with friends when I was elbowed by my friend in a “OMG, look down there” way. Before me walks a woman who is approximately 270 pounds and in her fifties.  Now, look here. Before you go making comments about weight and the fact that “I shouldn’t be chastising this woman because of her weight when I CLEARLY should be putting down the mint chip ice cream and picking up a shake weight,” you should know this – this post has NOTHING to do with her weight or her age. Those elements only set the scene for you so that you might audibly gasp along with me.

I’ve got this woman, clearly overweight and middle aged. She’s wearing a pale green, loose-fitting tank top and shorts. Nothing odd there, really – it’s 85 degrees outside and she’s a girl who likes to stay cool. Fair. It’s her movement, however, that strikes my girlfriend and I odd, because, as she passes, the front of her shirt appears to contain a set of waltzing, mushy, microwave burritos.  For reals, you guys – she came to this concert (where hundreds and hundreds of people are gathered), WITH NO BRA ON!!!! Nothing – no secondary tank, NOTHING!! To make it worse, she didn’t even accessorize with pasties or an intriguing piercing. I mean, the nerve!

So, the inappropriate gasp occurred, followed shortly by ANOTHER, even more eye-rolling gasp when she bent over to look at something. She’s in the second row (down front) and she bends over, facing the rest of us, who are sitting up above. Worse? She has NO CLUE that she’s making the men at the concert throw up in their mouths. So my friend and I have a short conversation about how awkward that was, how sorry we felt for her and how I’ll totally make a great blog entry out of this experience. The End.

Wrong. In the last five days, I’ve been overly sensitive to the no-bra incident – probably because of the tenderness of my eyeballs – you know, from the burn they experienced on Saturday night. I’ve now counted seven (yes, 7!!) women “of size” who are not concerned with strapping the girls to their chest for a day on the town. That percentage is just too disturbing for me. Not even Michele Bachman can reap those kinds of numbers. 

I’m trying to figure out – what’s the deal? Why the sense that this behavior is acceptable? I can’t imagine that it’s comfortable for them – to just let the girls dingle dangle all the way to their elastic waist line. And more importantly – what about us? What about our awkward glances? What about our uncomfortable gossip? What about our inability to get images like that out of heads at bedtime? WHAT ABOUT US?

So, I’m starting a new charity. It will be called the SAG (Severely Awkward Gawking) Initiative and I’ll be accepting the following donations:

            • New bras

            • Used bras

            • Ace Bandages

            • Duct Tape

            • Saran Wrap

            and

            • Staple Guns

Until this epidemic is controlled, the donation box will remain open. Please, contribute to the cause. Help the women of Chattanooga bring stability back to their chests. Help them feel better about their lack of piercings or nipple jewelry. And for goodness sake, help me find another eyelid vision at 11 pm. Your generosity is appreciated.